Prolouge
I decided to write my twitterive on family. I read through my tweets and noticed that many of them were about family problems or about a brothers birthday. Even when I am at school my place is very much with my family. I am always thinking about them and talking to them. We communicate constantly. I also have been a "mother" type figure in my family and they need me for certain things such as money or support or help with homework. My family has clearly defined/had an impact on who I am today and why I act the way I act. This is why I wanted to expolre the responsibilities that I have as the oldest daughter. I wanted to understand that even with all the pressure of my family and the things they need I can still say I love them.
List of tweets:
jar2389 jorie rao my brothers bday today, he's turning 8 I feel so old! # wrt2 #twitterive 29 Jan
jar2389 jorie rao my living room is a mess, not a fan #twitterive #wrt2
jar2389 jorie rao the tv is on but I'm not listening to the news, I'm listening to my computer hum as it starts #twitterive
jar2389 jorie rao bare walls, but hearts full of graditude. i miss my house #twitterive 14 Feb
jar2389 jorie rao it is so windy outside #twitterive and it sounds like something is trying to break into my house
List of tweets:
jar2389 jorie rao my brothers bday today, he's turning 8 I feel so old! # wrt2 #twitterive 29 Jan
jar2389 jorie rao my living room is a mess, not a fan #twitterive #wrt2
jar2389 jorie rao the tv is on but I'm not listening to the news, I'm listening to my computer hum as it starts #twitterive
jar2389 jorie rao bare walls, but hearts full of graditude. i miss my house #twitterive 14 Feb
jar2389 jorie rao it is so windy outside #twitterive and it sounds like something is trying to break into my house
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House # 1
3106 Roberta Street, Largo FL 33771
People in the house from 1996-2000:
1. Dad
2. Mom
3. Me (Jorie)
4. Belinda
5. Ally
6. John
These are the good years. My parents were still married
and my only worry was swiming in our pool. They were
married until 2000, when they finally separated after 18
years of marriage. My Mom moved out and my Dad
stayed. He eventuall found a new girlfriend who quickly
moved in.
People in the house from 2000-2005:
1. Dad
2. Step- Mom
3. Me (Jorie)
4. Belinda
5. Ally
6. Anna (Step sister)
7. John
8. Robert (step brother)
9. Dominick (half brother born in 2003)
These are the bad years, well half of them any way.
Step-Mom made life hell. She was 27 when they got
married, my Dad was 40. It was not a good time.
As the oldest of now 7 kids in the house I was
expected to clean, cook, and basically do everything a
mom should do, except I got no credit for it. I got no
respect. All I got was verbal abuse and no respect.
She treated me like a slave and not a child.
3106 Roberta Street, Largo FL 33771
People in the house from 1996-2000:
1. Dad
2. Mom
3. Me (Jorie)
4. Belinda
5. Ally
6. John
These are the good years. My parents were still married
and my only worry was swiming in our pool. They were
married until 2000, when they finally separated after 18
years of marriage. My Mom moved out and my Dad
stayed. He eventuall found a new girlfriend who quickly
moved in.
People in the house from 2000-2005:
1. Dad
2. Step- Mom
3. Me (Jorie)
4. Belinda
5. Ally
6. Anna (Step sister)
7. John
8. Robert (step brother)
9. Dominick (half brother born in 2003)
These are the bad years, well half of them any way.
Step-Mom made life hell. She was 27 when they got
married, my Dad was 40. It was not a good time.
As the oldest of now 7 kids in the house I was
expected to clean, cook, and basically do everything a
mom should do, except I got no credit for it. I got no
respect. All I got was verbal abuse and no respect.
She treated me like a slave and not a child.
Home Sweet Home
Mom left,
she checked out.
She seemed detached
from us so easily.18 years of marriage,
gone. Dad was broken, I used to wonder if she felt bad.
My belief in love ran out the door with her. Dad cried, but tried to hide it from us.
Even superman has his weakness Dad, its alright that you were hurt. I watched
it all happen and swore that I'd never leave his side. I would always help because
he is my Dad and I love him. I would make my family happy again. I needed
to save them from self destruction. There was no longer a Mom to tuck us in at
night or a Mom to read us stupid bedtime stories about love and happiness. She
left me to take care of the house. Our little home sweet home, our life without her.
she checked out.
She seemed detached
from us so easily.18 years of marriage,
gone. Dad was broken, I used to wonder if she felt bad.
My belief in love ran out the door with her. Dad cried, but tried to hide it from us.
Even superman has his weakness Dad, its alright that you were hurt. I watched
it all happen and swore that I'd never leave his side. I would always help because
he is my Dad and I love him. I would make my family happy again. I needed
to save them from self destruction. There was no longer a Mom to tuck us in at
night or a Mom to read us stupid bedtime stories about love and happiness. She
left me to take care of the house. Our little home sweet home, our life without her.
House # 2
64 Rutgers RdPennsville, NJ 08070
People in the house from 2005-2008:
1. Dad
2. Step- Mom
3. Me (Jorie)
4. Belinda
5. Ally
6. Anna (Step sister)
7. John
8. Robert (step brother)
9. Dominick (half brother born in 2003)
These are the rebelling years. I was in high school and developing
a teenager attitude. This is when I realized what she did to me
was wrong. This is when my Mom came back into my life. This is
when I tried making changes. I fought with my Step-Mom. I told her she
was wrong fro treating me and all my siblings the way she did.
My Dad finally took my side and told her to stop. After this she kicked
us out. My Dad had been out of work to take care of her, so he had none of
his own money. The house was in her name, we were out on the street.
64 Rutgers RdPennsville, NJ 08070
People in the house from 2005-2008:
1. Dad
2. Step- Mom
3. Me (Jorie)
4. Belinda
5. Ally
6. Anna (Step sister)
7. John
8. Robert (step brother)
9. Dominick (half brother born in 2003)
These are the rebelling years. I was in high school and developing
a teenager attitude. This is when I realized what she did to me
was wrong. This is when my Mom came back into my life. This is
when I tried making changes. I fought with my Step-Mom. I told her she
was wrong fro treating me and all my siblings the way she did.
My Dad finally took my side and told her to stop. After this she kicked
us out. My Dad had been out of work to take care of her, so he had none of
his own money. The house was in her name, we were out on the street.
Janine
Joined together with my Dad in "holy matrimony"
Acting like you are smart, when in fact you are not.
No one likes you becasue you hurt us with words and actions.
It kills me that someone like you exsists.
Nothing justifies the way you treated us.
Everyone will know what you have done to us eventually.
Acting like you are smart, when in fact you are not.
No one likes you becasue you hurt us with words and actions.
It kills me that someone like you exsists.
Nothing justifies the way you treated us.
Everyone will know what you have done to us eventually.
Multiple Sclerosis, more like multipe personalities
My step mom was sick. I should have cared more, but the day she stared abusing me I began to care less and less. I know MS is a serious thing, but she was just so damn mean.
House # 3
251 N.River Drive Pennsville, NJ 08070
People in the house from 2008-2010:
1. Dad
2. Me (Jorie)
3. Belinda
4. Ally
5. John
6. Dominick (half brother)
We got lucky these years because an old friend of my Dad's had a house in our town that she let us live in rent free so we could save up the money to live on our own. Family matters got better. We grew closer to each other and my Dad grew more dependent on me to keep the family together. However, I was also off to college this year. A freshman at Rowan. I chose Rowan because it is only 25 minutes from Pennsville. I could go home whenever I needed to.
Classic
The 1987 Chevy Silverado you passed down to me represented so much more than you realized. It encompased adulthood, real tangible evidence that I was an adult. I had already known that in theory I was more of an adult than my step-mother and I was only 17. I know that she was incompetent and inconsiderate when it came to our family. She didn't deserve the title of "Mom" in the house, I did. For all intensive purposes I was mom to them. I cooked, not well, but I did. I made the kids do their homework after elementary school, all four of them: Ally, John, Anna, Robert. I even changed Dominicks diaper, bathed him and fed him and at three years old he knew I was more of a mom to him because he began calling me mom. She hated me for that. She hated that they all liked me better and that I was better at something that she should have excelled in. Belinda, she was like a mom too, except she was 15 and a bit more concerned with high school than responsibillity. However, she was the only thing that kept me from going insane.
Our house wasnt the "happiest" place on earth, not even in Pennsville. It was actually kind of miserable. My step mom was more of a monster, I know it sounds cliche, but she was horrible. The abuse was secritive of course, we always looked happy to the common passerby, but she was intent on making our lives a hell for which I can safely say was worse than ancient tourtue methods.
I'll never forget my step mom, even though she is gone now. Left my Dad after 7 years of marriage, with no money, no home and no dignity. She took everything from us, which meant I had more responsibility. I now had to pay for things a 17 year old shouldn't have to pay for, but at least with the Chevy I knew that you knew I was an adult and deserved respect for all that I did to help our family.
251 N.River Drive Pennsville, NJ 08070
People in the house from 2008-2010:
1. Dad
2. Me (Jorie)
3. Belinda
4. Ally
5. John
6. Dominick (half brother)
We got lucky these years because an old friend of my Dad's had a house in our town that she let us live in rent free so we could save up the money to live on our own. Family matters got better. We grew closer to each other and my Dad grew more dependent on me to keep the family together. However, I was also off to college this year. A freshman at Rowan. I chose Rowan because it is only 25 minutes from Pennsville. I could go home whenever I needed to.
Classic
The 1987 Chevy Silverado you passed down to me represented so much more than you realized. It encompased adulthood, real tangible evidence that I was an adult. I had already known that in theory I was more of an adult than my step-mother and I was only 17. I know that she was incompetent and inconsiderate when it came to our family. She didn't deserve the title of "Mom" in the house, I did. For all intensive purposes I was mom to them. I cooked, not well, but I did. I made the kids do their homework after elementary school, all four of them: Ally, John, Anna, Robert. I even changed Dominicks diaper, bathed him and fed him and at three years old he knew I was more of a mom to him because he began calling me mom. She hated me for that. She hated that they all liked me better and that I was better at something that she should have excelled in. Belinda, she was like a mom too, except she was 15 and a bit more concerned with high school than responsibillity. However, she was the only thing that kept me from going insane.
Our house wasnt the "happiest" place on earth, not even in Pennsville. It was actually kind of miserable. My step mom was more of a monster, I know it sounds cliche, but she was horrible. The abuse was secritive of course, we always looked happy to the common passerby, but she was intent on making our lives a hell for which I can safely say was worse than ancient tourtue methods.
I'll never forget my step mom, even though she is gone now. Left my Dad after 7 years of marriage, with no money, no home and no dignity. She took everything from us, which meant I had more responsibility. I now had to pay for things a 17 year old shouldn't have to pay for, but at least with the Chevy I knew that you knew I was an adult and deserved respect for all that I did to help our family.
House # 4
205 Falcon Drive
People in this house from 2010-present:
1. Dad
2. Me (Jorie)
3. Belinda
4. Ally
5. John
6. Dominick
This house represents freedom to us. It is all ours. It can be permanent. No more moving hopefully. However, the money side of things have been tight and I help whenever and however I can. No one said happiness was free.
205 Falcon Drive
People in this house from 2010-present:
1. Dad
2. Me (Jorie)
3. Belinda
4. Ally
5. John
6. Dominick
This house represents freedom to us. It is all ours. It can be permanent. No more moving hopefully. However, the money side of things have been tight and I help whenever and however I can. No one said happiness was free.
The house is getting old, but it's new for us. It siginfies something, like freedom almost, but not quite. I like that the walls are blue, a beachy blue, like something you would see in a shore house. The stains from the previous family are almost non-exsistant except for a few cracks in the paint or stains on the carpet, where I imagine a small child spilled chocolate milk or whiped cheeto hands across the floor. It's just evidence that every family has its imperfections. My family moved here after Janine kicked us out, there was no where to go. My dad saved money and got us a house as soon as possible. Its rented, obviously, and the bills are a struggle to him. Disability is not a profession, the money flow is almost non-exsistant. We like it though becasue its one story and it is all ours. Like I said it signifies freedom for us, a freedom from fear, from angry words and heavy hands. The freedom is a beachy blue that reminds me of the shore, the waves and a never ending ocean of oppertunity.
For the Family
He shuffles into the kitchen, cane in hand. Crouched over, a fifty year old with the body of an eighty year old man, he squeezes himself into the seat next to me. I watch him light up his Marlboro, the sixth one in an hour. The end burns like the eye of an angry monster in the darkness of the kitchen.
“Jo, my legs are killing me. I could barely walk today when I went grocery shopping,” he says.
“I’m sorry dad, is there anything I can do to help?" I say, knowing what his answer will be.
“Yeah, can you give me 50 bucks? Just till next Wednesday. Im tight on cash again.”
“Sure Dad.”
The smoke from his cigarette circles his head before it sneaks out the window into the night air. I know he needs the money. He wouldn’t ask if he didn’t. We sit in silence as he smokes each cigarette back to back. I can hear the sounds of my siblings televisions humming in the background, each of them sound asleep.
Weight Lifting
Sometimes I feel pressure,
weight that buckles me down
holding me to the surface, almost like gravity
but not as natural.
The world, or is it too cliche to say
the worlds weight is on my shoulders?
Walking around with it takes patience,
and mine is running thin.
weight that buckles me down
holding me to the surface, almost like gravity
but not as natural.
The world, or is it too cliche to say
the worlds weight is on my shoulders?
Walking around with it takes patience,
and mine is running thin.
Say you'll be there
"Jo, I need your help. Dominick's 8th birthday is coming up and I dont have the money to throw him a party. Every little kid needs a party" Dad says.
"Okay pops, I"ll help," I say. "You know I'd do anything to help."
"I know, I love you Jo."
"I love you too Dad."
"What should I get him?"
"Well he needs clothes, a hair cut and maybe some cake mix or something."
"Okay."
Dad walks away after this exchange. Sometimes I feel like a walking, talking ATM. Sometimes its like all I am is a big stack of money that each of them grabs at, hoping for some spare change to fall into their eager hands. Remembering that it is only my imagination that has created this idea of me being the MONEY TREE is a difficult task.
They love me and I love them.
"Okay pops, I"ll help," I say. "You know I'd do anything to help."
"I know, I love you Jo."
"I love you too Dad."
"What should I get him?"
"Well he needs clothes, a hair cut and maybe some cake mix or something."
"Okay."
Dad walks away after this exchange. Sometimes I feel like a walking, talking ATM. Sometimes its like all I am is a big stack of money that each of them grabs at, hoping for some spare change to fall into their eager hands. Remembering that it is only my imagination that has created this idea of me being the MONEY TREE is a difficult task.
They love me and I love them.
PERFECTION
be smart
go to school
be fun
enjoy life
be loving
support your family
never back away from problems
always forgive, never forget
go to college
get a degree
make money
support your family
go to school
be fun
enjoy life
be loving
support your family
never back away from problems
always forgive, never forget
go to college
get a degree
make money
support your family
Today is Dominick's birthday. He seems so excited. I like wacthing him jump around the kitchen screaming for cake, even though it is only 8 a.m. and everyone else is asleep. I want to take him to a place like Chuck E. Cheese, but it's too expensive. I want to throw him a huge party with a bounce house. Kids like that shit, but it scares me to watch them potentially bounce into each other causing serious brain injury. Dominick is still hopefull at 8. He still believes in Santa, but I stopped believing in Santa when I was 6. My dad ruined it because I saw him eating the cookies. My dad seemed to lie to me a great deal when I was younger. Have I lied to dominick? I hope not, other than Santa, but thats natural. Dominick slides across the kitchen floor on his socks and falls, laughs, then gets up again and resumes this for the next five minutes. Kids are so free. I can't even remember personal freedom. I don't think it ever exsisted for me. I have always had to be responsible, selfless and caring towards my family. They need me, they really need me.
Lies I can remember my Dad telling me:
1. Love lasts forever sweetie.
2. Your Mom left becasue she didnt want you kids.
3. Money means nothing, focus on being happy.
4. Janine is a great person, I'm going to marry her.
5. I wont let Janine back in the house after she called you a bitch. I swear she is never coming back. I love you kids too much.
6. She wont treat you badly anymore, I talked to her.
7. You are strong.
2. Your Mom left becasue she didnt want you kids.
3. Money means nothing, focus on being happy.
4. Janine is a great person, I'm going to marry her.
5. I wont let Janine back in the house after she called you a bitch. I swear she is never coming back. I love you kids too much.
6. She wont treat you badly anymore, I talked to her.
7. You are strong.
Dont think of yourself,
family first.
They matter most.
family first.
They matter most.
Great JOB!
"Dom loved his birthday, Jo", Dad says.
"No he didn't Dad, I could tell he hated my gifts", I whine. I know its unflattering to whine, but I am just so upset that Dom isn't satified with cake, new clothes as a present and watching our favorite movie Star Wars. He keeps saying 'Is this it?' and for some reason it really gets to me. I fell like crying.
"Jo, don't be upset. he is 8 years old, they are never satisfied. Don't take it personaly", he says.
"Yeah whatever Dad. I just wish I had some appreciation around here. Some kind of a thank you from everyone for the work I put into their lives. This was just the freaking icing on the cake that is my life. Dom made me realize that no one in this family is ever satisfied with what I do. They always want more from me."
"Jo, please stop. You know thats not true. We love you."
"Then when is everyone going to show me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why doesnt anyone else break their backs to make me happy for once? huh? I'm slowly deteriorating. I'm loosing it Dad. This is a lot of pressure and responsibility that I never asked for, but never ran away from."
"No he didn't Dad, I could tell he hated my gifts", I whine. I know its unflattering to whine, but I am just so upset that Dom isn't satified with cake, new clothes as a present and watching our favorite movie Star Wars. He keeps saying 'Is this it?' and for some reason it really gets to me. I fell like crying.
"Jo, don't be upset. he is 8 years old, they are never satisfied. Don't take it personaly", he says.
"Yeah whatever Dad. I just wish I had some appreciation around here. Some kind of a thank you from everyone for the work I put into their lives. This was just the freaking icing on the cake that is my life. Dom made me realize that no one in this family is ever satisfied with what I do. They always want more from me."
"Jo, please stop. You know thats not true. We love you."
"Then when is everyone going to show me?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why doesnt anyone else break their backs to make me happy for once? huh? I'm slowly deteriorating. I'm loosing it Dad. This is a lot of pressure and responsibility that I never asked for, but never ran away from."
back 2 school
Rowan University.
I feel detached when I am here.
I am too far away from the people who define me,
the people who need me.
I always want to go back,
even when they treat me unfairly.
I give them money for food, but they get mad if I complain that I am tired and can't play outside.
I take them to the park on a Saturday, but they complain if I go out to dinner with my girlfriend.
I plan birthday parties and buy them gifts, but they complain that they never get to spend time with me.
I help my dad with chores and bills, but he complains that I try to disipline the kids when they misbehave.
It's like they are never satisfied, a young baby that constantly needs attention and it will not let you sleep or eat.
It's like they don't appreciate the things I do, but they can clearly point out the things I don't do.
It's like waking up from a nightmare, realizing it was a dream but falling asleep only to see that image reappear.
It's like I am going insane, but I feel the most sane when I am going crazy.
My family owns me, body and soul. They know I'll always be around. I have been constant in their lives unlike mom and step-mom, unlike friends and boyfriends/girlfriends.
I am their constant and they are my world.
I feel detached when I am here.
I am too far away from the people who define me,
the people who need me.
I always want to go back,
even when they treat me unfairly.
I give them money for food, but they get mad if I complain that I am tired and can't play outside.
I take them to the park on a Saturday, but they complain if I go out to dinner with my girlfriend.
I plan birthday parties and buy them gifts, but they complain that they never get to spend time with me.
I help my dad with chores and bills, but he complains that I try to disipline the kids when they misbehave.
It's like they are never satisfied, a young baby that constantly needs attention and it will not let you sleep or eat.
It's like they don't appreciate the things I do, but they can clearly point out the things I don't do.
It's like waking up from a nightmare, realizing it was a dream but falling asleep only to see that image reappear.
It's like I am going insane, but I feel the most sane when I am going crazy.
My family owns me, body and soul. They know I'll always be around. I have been constant in their lives unlike mom and step-mom, unlike friends and boyfriends/girlfriends.
I am their constant and they are my world.
